It's been a while.

Last post was in November, eh...

Well, I really fell off the map. Stagnated, and I haven't done anything.

Now, my life's fallen through the floor.

My dad made me haul 40 pounds of groceries home (a 2 mile walk) because I wasn't mindful enough to do the dishes at 8 AM before work. That and my mother told me that I didn't look good enough to justify me getting up 2 hours before I had to leave to make sure that everything was in place and (gasp) I ATE SOMETHING BEFORE WORK.

My mother called it a "fuck you" in my direction for being so "lazy/selfish/arrogant/bastard", so I gave them a royal "fuck you" back.

Don't buy me food.

I won't eat it.

There, now I'm a broke depressed anorexic college student with no hope/future/goals/dreams/chance in hell of surviving one more year, and now I get the luxury of buying my own food.

Hint: I won't be buying much. I can't afford it, and what I can afford, I don't want.

So yeah. I just fucking binge-proofed my life.

and now..things are going to get so stressful...but it'll be worth it.

I'll have everything I want and nothing I need.

It's going to suck by any other person's standards, yes, but...

It's just how it has to be.

I have parents who tell me that I don't deserve anything that I get, and until I deserve what I get, they don't care about anything I need.

Who needs love, anyway? Who needs being told that he or she has any purpose in the world?

We can get by fine with having our parents tell us that if we go for a walk to cool our heads, that they'll lock the door and not even care if we

freeze to death.

Oh, wait...no we can't.

Where am I supposed to be? In what reality? Is this it?

How do I live? I don't know.

I don't know how to find out.

Maybe they're right. Maybe I should be taken out with the Monday trash.

Who can I trust to give me that answer?

Ugh.

Life is pointless, I swear.

Mom wants me homeless again, I've been so hungry that I overate for a week straight, I can't get back in control, I'm dropping two classes, I fail, my life fails.

What other things could go wrong?

My life...is worthless.

Like anybody cares, except for a couple people...maybe.

I know one does, but I rarely see her.

She's my reason to live, my best friend. We've been through a lot...but...

I...don't...want to.

I just want this over. Call me a failed experiment. It's over.

Can't we just end it?

I have no intention to, because I can't. I couldn't do that to the couple people who still actually give a shit about this broken, bony skinbag.

And I have no idea why they still do.

SICK.

My body has been revolting against me for the last 16 days. My digestive system has completely failed, and despite eating like a horse for the duration of my wicked illness (a fever around 105 for two weeks qualifies as wicked), my weight has plummeted from 157 at the start to 161 a few days later to 151 now, a little over a week after the 161.

What a heck of a way to lose weight, eh?

Who knows what'll happen, but I'm looking really [waifishgauntemaciated] thin. Even my mom noted how much I'd lost in my arms due to the lack of protein from the BRAT diet I'm on.

Well, I suppose I'll see where this goes.

Stay strong. Be beautiful <3

Love,
Micah

Wewt.

I ordered some diuretics. Now perhaps I'll get a consistent reading.

on another hand, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel absolutely disgusting--not from eating too much, because I did pretty well today--I'm at 540 calories today, but instead, because I think my stomach acid is eating away at me. I might go eat a sandwich...even though I already ate dinner. I just feel too damn sick to do anything.

so yeah, I'll eat a sandwich. Probably miss weights tonight, but meh. I'll also go ahead and watch tv for a short while before I collapse from exhaustion. Long, wild day, but It's coming to a close.

Nice job today, Micah. You're back on track.

Stay strong. Stay beautiful <3

Love,
Micah

Mustnoteatmustnoteatmustnoteatmustnoteat MUST. NOT. EAT.

The luncheon meat is calling my name downstairs. I've gotten plenty of protein today. I'm missing a couple vitamins, but I'll survive.

I've lost control and [stuffed my pretty fucking face until it grows ugly and squeals] eaten too much lately. I need to fix that. Today I'm at 760 calories, at the upper end of my limit. I [am] feel fat today. My size 30 pants I just bought BARELY fit. they should fit loosely.

My dad's watching baseball tonight. I feel like joining him, but I'm afraid the pantry will overwhelm me. I'm sooo freaking hungry right now, but all I want to do is

work out even harder. Lose more weight. Be pretty and strong and beautifulgorgeousperfect.

Which reminds me.

Weigh-in is in 2 days. I'm so going to fuck up my 160 goal. I'll be 161 and want to cut my arm off to make it 159.

Wish me luck.

I might go down, watch baseball, cycle on the bike, and make my migraine even worse.

No pain, no gain.

Back in Control

I got whisked off into [prison] the counselor's office today, credit to my English teacher. I told my teacher that I'm anorexic [because I am weakstupidfatuglyselfisharrogantweak], but I didn't tell my counselor [because I am a Winterboy]. [I deserve to go to prison] I am very thankful to have someone who cares; however, my diet still stands. No solid food until breakfast Wednesday, where I get [to overeat] to eat a cup of dry cornflakes (100).

Today, I am at...probably 10 calories...whatever my mints have. Not enough to matter. oh, well, it works perfectly. I am [starving] in control. I [hate myself] love it.

I will not overeat again, ever. I must control that urge. If I have to, I'll prepackage my daily meal into manageable and delicious portions. My favorite would be a chocolate chip cookie (100) and whole milk (113, but much less if I don't drink the slushy cookie/milk mixture that remains after I eat the cookie). If I can stay in control, I will be content.

Stay strong. Stay beautiful <3

Love,
Micah

The Wintergirls of PrettyThin and PrettyAlone

Those two sites hurt.

To see the pain in the scar-veiled words of clipped-winged birds can only demonstrate the torments of living in today's world. Once beautiful, radiant butterflies, their wings have been severed, leaving only bared wounds and broken dreams.

Wintergirls with nothing left of shelter, freezing and alone in the malevolent storm.

I have not cut myself much in my life; I have only done it a few times.

I still think about it, but I save it for only the most desperate of times.

But I am much like them: cold, hopeless, and lost.

Starving for the very thing I crave most:

Love.

Deprived of love and craving the very basic of approval, I, like the Wintergirls, am mired between life and death; I, like them, am alive, but not living.

We wait for one to claim us.

Because then, and only then, will we finally belong.

I feel for the Wintergirls.

Because I almost know what it's like to be one of them.