Wewt.

I ordered some diuretics. Now perhaps I'll get a consistent reading.

on another hand, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel absolutely disgusting--not from eating too much, because I did pretty well today--I'm at 540 calories today, but instead, because I think my stomach acid is eating away at me. I might go eat a sandwich...even though I already ate dinner. I just feel too damn sick to do anything.

so yeah, I'll eat a sandwich. Probably miss weights tonight, but meh. I'll also go ahead and watch tv for a short while before I collapse from exhaustion. Long, wild day, but It's coming to a close.

Nice job today, Micah. You're back on track.

Stay strong. Stay beautiful <3

Love,
Micah

Mustnoteatmustnoteatmustnoteatmustnoteat MUST. NOT. EAT.

The luncheon meat is calling my name downstairs. I've gotten plenty of protein today. I'm missing a couple vitamins, but I'll survive.

I've lost control and [stuffed my pretty fucking face until it grows ugly and squeals] eaten too much lately. I need to fix that. Today I'm at 760 calories, at the upper end of my limit. I [am] feel fat today. My size 30 pants I just bought BARELY fit. they should fit loosely.

My dad's watching baseball tonight. I feel like joining him, but I'm afraid the pantry will overwhelm me. I'm sooo freaking hungry right now, but all I want to do is

work out even harder. Lose more weight. Be pretty and strong and beautifulgorgeousperfect.

Which reminds me.

Weigh-in is in 2 days. I'm so going to fuck up my 160 goal. I'll be 161 and want to cut my arm off to make it 159.

Wish me luck.

I might go down, watch baseball, cycle on the bike, and make my migraine even worse.

No pain, no gain.

Back in Control

I got whisked off into [prison] the counselor's office today, credit to my English teacher. I told my teacher that I'm anorexic [because I am weakstupidfatuglyselfisharrogantweak], but I didn't tell my counselor [because I am a Winterboy]. [I deserve to go to prison] I am very thankful to have someone who cares; however, my diet still stands. No solid food until breakfast Wednesday, where I get [to overeat] to eat a cup of dry cornflakes (100).

Today, I am at...probably 10 calories...whatever my mints have. Not enough to matter. oh, well, it works perfectly. I am [starving] in control. I [hate myself] love it.

I will not overeat again, ever. I must control that urge. If I have to, I'll prepackage my daily meal into manageable and delicious portions. My favorite would be a chocolate chip cookie (100) and whole milk (113, but much less if I don't drink the slushy cookie/milk mixture that remains after I eat the cookie). If I can stay in control, I will be content.

Stay strong. Stay beautiful <3

Love,
Micah

The Wintergirls of PrettyThin and PrettyAlone

Those two sites hurt.

To see the pain in the scar-veiled words of clipped-winged birds can only demonstrate the torments of living in today's world. Once beautiful, radiant butterflies, their wings have been severed, leaving only bared wounds and broken dreams.

Wintergirls with nothing left of shelter, freezing and alone in the malevolent storm.

I have not cut myself much in my life; I have only done it a few times.

I still think about it, but I save it for only the most desperate of times.

But I am much like them: cold, hopeless, and lost.

Starving for the very thing I crave most:

Love.

Deprived of love and craving the very basic of approval, I, like the Wintergirls, am mired between life and death; I, like them, am alive, but not living.

We wait for one to claim us.

Because then, and only then, will we finally belong.

I feel for the Wintergirls.

Because I almost know what it's like to be one of them.

GRR.

I hate food. It calls my name and then I eat it and then I'm still hungry and then it keeps calling me.

I wish I could puke, then I wouldn't have to worry. But I fear it, so I don't.

But several sandwiches, 3 baked potatoes (and 3 more on the way), and a bowl of ice cream later, and my scanner says my hatred level is over 9000.

I want to diiiiiiie.

Tomorrow, the week starts. I'll be okay. I can control myself well then.

Go figure.

Ate too much today (~1200).

Parents screamed at me.

I hate myself.

Just another day.

I just want to lie in bed for the rest of my life, but that won't happen.

Oh well. Better luck in the future.

This is seriously fucked up.

I think my prior readings were flawed.

Just weighed in in the morning.

161 pounds, 32 inches at the navel, 32 1/4 an inch lower

That means I have to lose only 1 pound by next Sunday. I think it's a water retention thing.

My diuretics will fix that.

My goal loss for now is going to be 3 pounds per week. If I can keep that up, I'll remain in happyland.

so far, almost all the recovery damage has been reversed. That's quite a relief. I don't feel quite as ugly as I did last night.

Stay strong. Stay beautiful <3

Love,
Micah

Breaking of the breaking of records

I swear, I can't break my record. Something always comes up. I got invited out to hang out with two very close friends, and we ended up hanging out in Peoria, rocking out to awesome music, and [gasp] eating dinner...at a Chinese restaurant. I made the terrible mistake of letting them know what I do to myself. So I ate, but their portions were huge and fattening and I couldn't get anything smaller. He was paying, so I cleared my plate and didn't even puke. I haven't puked in decades--I hate it. It's a phobia of mine. I can't stand puking. I didn't want to waste his money, either. So the calories are oozing about my insides right now, and I hate it. I have no idea how many calories are in it, either. Possibly 2000. I've probably gotten enough exercise today to avoid putting on any weight, but...I don't know. I just feel terrible, but I couldn't have done any [worse] better.

I'll just let this one go. My week's diet is set.

Dry cereal in the morning (100)

Pop for lunch (0)

On super-active days, I'll save the pop for dinner and have lunchmeat (90) for lunch.

I'll never pass 200 calories. I'll be a good boy.

couple that with insane exercise, and my sins today will be forgiven.

Oh, and when money comes in, I need to buy diuretics. I'll take them on Sundays to flush out the excess water in my system for my weigh-ins, to guarantee consistency.

But tomorrow is Sunday. That means one thing.

I don't get to eat anything. Absolute fast on Sunday, until I weigh. I can have coffee at PM Church, though. I'll weigh right before I leave.

It'll be okay. I'll keep losing. I need to remind myself that when in public, I can't look like I have an eating disorder. I'll just do what I can to keep the calories low, but the acting is the most important part. I rarely go out to eat, so if I'm forced to look normal, I can look normal and it probably won't kill me long-term. Since I'm on a deadline, it was a bit disappointing, but what REALLY matters is that I keep losing long-term. If I'm 164 by next Sunday, that's fine--so long as the trend is DOWN.

Next breakfast is Monday, AM. Daunting. I pray I live.

Stay strong. Stay beautiful <3

Love,
Micah

spinnyspinnyspinnyspinny

I am so freaking dizzy I might just faint.

half of it's anger. Half of it could be my body realizing I'm relapsing. It doesn't like starving.

Screw recovery. I don't want to be fat yet. Give me a little time to enjoy being nothing.

my head is spinnyspinnyspinnyspinny and I feel uglyuglyuglyugly.

maybe I'll faint at work tomorrow. They'll stuff me with orange juice and I'll have to burn off the calories later.

maybe I'll be fine. That'd be perfect.

Either way, I'm hoping things go well. My only real desire is to get rid of one of those fucking ugly 6's on that scale. I just can't wait till I'm back below 160. It wasn't that long ago. Perhaps I still have diet soda in my system. If that's the case, 166 is unnaturally high. It's hard to imagine gaining 6 pounds in 5 days when you never ate more than 4000 calories during recovery...especially when you worked off half of them.

I wish I could stop drinking pop long enough to find that out. my pee hasn't been its normal yellow for a while. Until only a short while ago, it was almost clear. Now it's completely clear. That's how much I'm drinking these days to keep my stomach from rumbling. It could also be adding on a ton of water weight/stomach volume (from the carbonation) because I don't feel much fat coming on. I want to know where all this mass and weight is coming in when I can see it on my gut and on the scale when I can't feel it.

I'm tired. I should sleep soon.

only if Powerade was carbonated. It has electrolytes.

Maybe I should eat a sponge, to help get rid of some of that water.

I'm also cutting out carbs at night. No carbs after my last workout of the day.

I just want that number lower. I don't care how it comes.

I could lose 10 pounds overnight if I sawed off my arm.

I don't think I'll do that though.

Ugh. I'm making no sense.

Good night.

Hatehatehatehate

I weigh 166 as of not long ago. Waist is between 32 1/2 and 32 3/4, depending on the time. I look in the mirror and have to stop myself from crying in horror--I look terrible. I feel terrible. I watched the ALCS game. The Yankees won, 6-5. I rode the exercise bike for 10 minutes, during the 9th inning (-100). When the game ended, out of self-hatred, I went for a 5-minute jog (-45). I came in due to a side stitch. I want to burn a hundredmillionthousand calories tonight, because I want to weigh less. 166 is too high.

So is 165.

So is 164.

So is 163.

So is 162.

So is 161.

So is 160.

So is 159.

So is 158.

So is 157.

o is 156.

So is 155.

So is 154.

So is 153.

So is 152.

So is 151.

So is 150.

So is 149.

So is 148.

So is 147.

So is 146.

So is 145.

So is 148.

So is 147.

So is 146.

So is 145.

So is 144.

So is 143.

So is 142.

So is 141.

And so is 140, I'm guessing.

It's going to be a very long road. I'm going to hate every step of it.

I just hope I'm around to see the reward.

I hope I like it.

Idon'twanttobefatIdon'twanttobefatIdon'twanttobefatIdon'twanttobefatIamfat.

and I hatehatehatehate it.

_____

Got an eviction notice again from my mom today. I pay $150 rent per month or I'm homeless.

This shouldn't surprise me. Somehow, it does.

Being an eternal optimist, I notice one positive thing with this.

Homeless people aren't famous for overeating.

Maybe I'll blend right in with them.

Maybe I'll qualify for food stamps, not that I'll [need] use them.

It'd buy me a lot of fizzypopdietsodamealreplacement.

Whatever makes me skinnier.

Because that's what I really need.

________________

Food for tomorrow:

1 cup vitamin-enhanced cereal (120)

Diet soda as needed

If I'm super good, I'll even throw in a baked potato with salt and pepper :)

if not, I'll go run or something.

Total calories: 120 plus mints and gum. This will certainly be a new record if I deny myself a potato. Even if I have a potato, I still break my record, ending around 250. I can't go wrong.

Oh, and I'll buy a jumprope. I hear those burn tons of calories, without as many side stitches.

I want to be 160 when I weigh on next Sunday's fast. Eat Saturday night, and put NOTHING in my mouth on Sunday, with the exception of *possibly* gum, but even that, I'm not sure.

6 pounds.

8 days to get there.

I think I can do that.

I'll spend every minute of every day working out, lifting, running, biking, walking...

If I puke, A for effort.

If I faint, extra credit.

If I die, I hope Jesus forgives me.

Wishful thinking.

I don't deserve it.

Never did.

Never will.

Never did or will deserve anything.

Except maybe nothingness.

I'll embody it.

I. Will. Be. Nothing.

Just some stats to add

I realized that I never mentioned my stats!

Well, here they are.


Ht: 5'10"

CW: 165

HW: 240 (!)

LW: 157

GW1: 140

Totally F***ing Disgusting

I am. My mind can't agree with my body on whether it wants to eat, so I end up eating like a pig. Calories ooze down my throat like cold-weather mucus, making me want to puke with each laboured swallow. I doubt myself every time, thinking I can recover, but recovery isn't for me. With each lost pound, I get that much stronger. With each submission to this false god, food, I get weaker. If I can't survive without stuffing my face full and feeling fatter with each passing second, adding to the reasons I hate myself, I might as well

Just. Stop. Eating.

I didn't count calories, but I imagine I'm in the 1800-2000 range.

So much for the record.

I'll totally break it tomorrow. Promise.

Love,
Micah

Welcome!

Today has started off with plenty of drama. I woke up at 8:52 AM, completely missing my first class today. I missed it on Tuesday, too. I missed an essay in another class. I'll head to my next class soon, so I hope I can be at least 1 for 3 by the end of the day. [I hate being bad in class it makes me dirtyrottenworthlessstupidhopelessstarvemyself.] I don't like being late. I must do better if I want to be anything if I'm older. Speaking of which, I'm doing pretty well today in that regard.

So far today, I've had:

1/2 cup cheerios (55) with about a third cup skim milk (27). However, I poured out the remaining milk, which was about a quarter cup (-20). Cereal = 62

Toast with low-sugar raspberry preserves (70) It could be less due to the fact that I used an impossibly small endpiece, but I'll call it that. Toast = 70

Sandwich, one piece of bread (60) with the rest of my ham (120). Sandwich = 180. Yuck.

Cashews, just a handful. I'll call it (100).

Breakfast = 62 + 70 + 180 + 100 = 412. Disgusting.

2nd Breakfast = 25 minute bike ride to school = (-250)

Lunch = Nothing = 0. Win.

Dinner = Nothing (0) + Sports drills forever (-400/h) = (0 - 400/h). win.

Total calories today: 412. Possibly a new record.

My life might be out of control, but I am in control.

I have to get to class or I'll be late. Perhaps I'll run.

Stay strong, Stay beautiful.

Love,
Micah