Hatehatehatehate

I weigh 166 as of not long ago. Waist is between 32 1/2 and 32 3/4, depending on the time. I look in the mirror and have to stop myself from crying in horror--I look terrible. I feel terrible. I watched the ALCS game. The Yankees won, 6-5. I rode the exercise bike for 10 minutes, during the 9th inning (-100). When the game ended, out of self-hatred, I went for a 5-minute jog (-45). I came in due to a side stitch. I want to burn a hundredmillionthousand calories tonight, because I want to weigh less. 166 is too high.

So is 165.

So is 164.

So is 163.

So is 162.

So is 161.

So is 160.

So is 159.

So is 158.

So is 157.

o is 156.

So is 155.

So is 154.

So is 153.

So is 152.

So is 151.

So is 150.

So is 149.

So is 148.

So is 147.

So is 146.

So is 145.

So is 148.

So is 147.

So is 146.

So is 145.

So is 144.

So is 143.

So is 142.

So is 141.

And so is 140, I'm guessing.

It's going to be a very long road. I'm going to hate every step of it.

I just hope I'm around to see the reward.

I hope I like it.

Idon'twanttobefatIdon'twanttobefatIdon'twanttobefatIdon'twanttobefatIamfat.

and I hatehatehatehate it.

_____

Got an eviction notice again from my mom today. I pay $150 rent per month or I'm homeless.

This shouldn't surprise me. Somehow, it does.

Being an eternal optimist, I notice one positive thing with this.

Homeless people aren't famous for overeating.

Maybe I'll blend right in with them.

Maybe I'll qualify for food stamps, not that I'll [need] use them.

It'd buy me a lot of fizzypopdietsodamealreplacement.

Whatever makes me skinnier.

Because that's what I really need.

________________

Food for tomorrow:

1 cup vitamin-enhanced cereal (120)

Diet soda as needed

If I'm super good, I'll even throw in a baked potato with salt and pepper :)

if not, I'll go run or something.

Total calories: 120 plus mints and gum. This will certainly be a new record if I deny myself a potato. Even if I have a potato, I still break my record, ending around 250. I can't go wrong.

Oh, and I'll buy a jumprope. I hear those burn tons of calories, without as many side stitches.

I want to be 160 when I weigh on next Sunday's fast. Eat Saturday night, and put NOTHING in my mouth on Sunday, with the exception of *possibly* gum, but even that, I'm not sure.

6 pounds.

8 days to get there.

I think I can do that.

I'll spend every minute of every day working out, lifting, running, biking, walking...

If I puke, A for effort.

If I faint, extra credit.

If I die, I hope Jesus forgives me.

Wishful thinking.

I don't deserve it.

Never did.

Never will.

Never did or will deserve anything.

Except maybe nothingness.

I'll embody it.

I. Will. Be. Nothing.